Why Phantom Menace Sucks Tauntaun Balls: The Definitive Text

· I hope you can carve 70 measly minutes out of your lives to watch this painstakingly researched, edited, argued and market-tested video review of why Star Wars: The Phantom Menace — the Howard the Duck of the Star Wars series — well and truly sucks Tauntaun balls. Well done, Mike of Milwaukee — and have you ever considered a career change to Christmas special narrator? Your lilting tones comfort us. (We’ve embedded part one after the jump; click through to access the next six chapters.) [YouTube via /Film]

· “We were wearing nothing but a lace g-string… and a weird wig,” said Avatar star Sam Worthington of his Hawaii shoot. I can not wait til the director commentary, when a hysterical James Cameron recalls, “And he totally bought it! Two weeks straight of wearing nothing but Lady Gaga hair and assfloss!” [BBC]

· Mike Vollman, VP of marketing for MGM, says nothing’s going to scare him away from advertising on Jersey Shore. I guess that means it’s full steam ahead on the The Hot Tub Time Machine Catch Guidorrhea™ Funtest! [The Live Feed]

· Hey, look! The after-hours cleaning lady finally changed the cover lines on Men’s Health! [Just Jared]

· The Banana-Hammock Worthington Lady Gaga Barbie doll collection. [Flickr]

· Still stuck on that perfect gift? How about a General Zod doll? Kneel before Zod! [Topless Robot]

· The Morgan Freeman Chain of Command. But where does The Electric Company’s Easy Reader fit into the pecking order? You said it: Right above God. [I Watch Stuff]

· And finally — the Shrek Forever After teazzzer. [YouTube]

from slashfilm.com .................. Chances are you probably didn’t like Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace. You might be a Star Wars fan, or at least a fan of the original trilogy. After waiting in line for hours, days, weeks, you may have even written a mini 200-400 word review on an internet message board somewhere. If you were a working movie critic, you might have even written a 1,000-2,000 word review of the film for some newspaper or magazine. All of this exists in the realm of possibility…but what about a 70-minute video review?

Some guy named Mike from Milwaukee, WI put together a 70-minute video review discussing the many reasons why the movie was horrible. And this isn’t your usual fanboy rant, this is an epic, well-edited well-constructed piece of geek film criticism. In fact, the way I learned about the video was from Lost co-creator and Star Trek producer Damon Lindelof, who said “Your life is about to change. This is astounding film making. Watch ALL of it.” Watch the video review embedded after the jump.

“In this opening segment I discuss the major flaw of The Phantom Menace which is the characters and the lack of connection with the audience.”

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“Part two now focuses on the second biggest problem with the Phantom Menace, the story. The mystery plot lacking direction and emotional involvement was really the other big problem. No tension, no drama, no stakes. Characters aimlessly follow along the events.”

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“Paaaaaart 3. **** just got real.”

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Part 4:

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“Part 5 focuses on the real “Phantom Menace” which is Qui-gon Jinn. His character makes no sense as do his actions. I also focus on Anakin Skywalker and how that character sucks too.”

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Part 6: “Things that don’t make sense at the ending and an analysis of light saber duels”

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Part 7:

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